I like to do it on the stairs
by xXFissshBonesssXx
Summary: Ariadne walks in on the men discussing their favorite places to do it. Cliches and awful humor ahead.


**Title**: I like to do it on the stairs.

**Word count**: ~2200

**Series**: Inception

**Genre**: Humor

**Spoilers**: None. Set in a vague universe where Mal is alive and part of the team and they're setting up for a job.

**Pairings**: OH HO HO.

**Warning**: Cliches ahead.

**A/N**: This is complete and utter shit. I suck at humor. Fair warning.

**I like to do it on the stairs**

The warehouse was pleasantly warm that morning, the kind of temperature at which being productive was practically a crime. Laziness seemed to be the order of the day, as it were, Ariadne thought when she kicked the door shut behind her, or else Cobb would have called her already to tell her off. She was late but the others would forgive her, especially since she brought coffee.

She was congratulating herself for coming in almost silently when Eames' voice came from the small workshop in the back.

"I'll tell you, it's actually kind of fun," he was saying, and Ariadne wondered what he could be talking about as she came up to the door. "There's plenty of ways to do it. That would be the best part! Variety. And the first time you do it... well, it's practically a rite of passage."

Ariadne slowed down and considered the vein of Eames' conversation. A smirk shot across her lips. _He's not talking about __**sex**__, is he? _she asked herself as she scooted to the side of the door. There was a muffled question, probably from Yusuf in the same room, and Eames was talking again.

"Me? Well. My first time was by the sea."

She nearly dropped the coffee.

Ariadne shook her head and tried to convince herself that she hadn't heard what she thought she'd heard.

"That sounds too romantic for your first."

Ariadne pressed herself closer to the door because _that_ had been _Arthur_. If Eames was talking about sex at work, that almost made sense. But Arthur? Arthur was professional. He would never talk about his sex life at work... would he? Ariadne's ears turned pink at the thought. She took her next steps cautiously, slipping one hand in her pocket to check for her totem.

"The beach sounds fitting," and Ariadne had to set the coffee down or else she really would drop it because that was _Cobb_, "It's a common enough place. People go there all the time, so it makes sense."

"What about you, Arthur?" That was Eames, and Ariadne couldn't see the men yet but she didn't need to. She could _hear_ his grin.

"I don't see why it matters," Arthur was saying, and Ariadne let go of the chess piece in her pocket. That sounded like Arthur.

"It's a matter of principle," Eames retorted, "Unless you don't remember?"

"I remember my first," and that was Yusuf's voice, "pretty hard to forget your first time. It's a life-changing experience."

Ariadne rolled her eyes. How cliche.

"Well?" Eames asked again, sounding a little too chipper.

"Just because you want to brag," Arthur began.

"Mine was in Paris!" An excited exclamation from Yusuf.

"Thank you for sharing," Ariadne was trying to get a better angle on the crack in the door so she could spy without actually having to contribute to the conversation, "but I see no need to."

"Mal and I did it together," Cobb offers, sounding almost amused.

There was a chuckle from Eames which made Ariadne think Arthur must be close to pouting.

"C'mon, Arthur!" Encouragement from Yusuf. "It's not something to be embarrassed about."

"I'm not embarrassed," and even Ariadne can tell the moment Arthur says it that he's said it a little too quickly. She can almost see the treacherous grin growing across the Forger's face from the crack in the door.

"It's perfectly normal if you don't remember," Eames was saying generously, "It's typical, even, someone with your-"

Arthur articulated something incoherent, cutting Eames off. Cobb rose an eyebrow and asked for a translation. The Point man obliged.

"On the stairs."

There was a brief pause before Eames erupted in howling laughter. Ariadne could hardly make out Cobb's "It _would_ be on the stairs, knowing you," over Yusuf's laughter and Eames' unsuppressed howls.

"It was quick," Arthur said tersely, and Ariadne blushed beautifully, and wondered why that was a point in his defense.

"And it was on the stairs," Eames reiterated, audibly fighting down chuckles and losing.

"How many times have you done it on the stairs?"

"Yusuf!" Cobb's voice is indignant on Arthur's behalf but Eames is howling again.

"What? I'm just curious."

"I don't exactly plan-" Arthur was indignant for himself but not really annoyed.

"That would be so very like you," Eames cuts in smoothly, "to plan them all meticulously."

Outside the door, Ariadne doesn't care that her face probably matches her flush crimson cardigan, and presses her head against the door as if trying to merge the two.

"And I suppose yours just 'happen', Mr. Eames?" Ariadne fights down a smile. Now Arthur's properly annoyed.

"We can't always predict these things," Cobb offered thoughtfully.

"I don't know," Yusuf disagreed, "there's plenty of times where we've engineered the entire thing, right down to the climax."

Ariadne had to bite her tongue to refrain from yelling _**what**_.

"I like to leave a little room for imagination-ow!" That's Eames and the back of Arthur's knuckles.

"I like surprises," Yusuf agreed.

"They're not always bad," Cobb concured, "but I like to have an idea of where it'll happen."

Ariadne was straining to see through the doors when a gentle chuckle startled her. She stood and smiled, "Mal! You scared the life out of me."

The beautiful woman offered the Architect a disarmingly charming smile. "This is no way to build bonds with your team," she scolded mildly, and before Ariadne could protest, she was begin ushered in to where the men are sitting around several stacks of paper and manilla folders. They greeted Mal and Ariadne with nods and names and Ariadne considered fleeing to preserve her integrity as Mal left her side momentarily to kiss her husband. The moment was gone too quickly as Yusuf offered her a seat and she slipped into the chair, defeated.

Eames rubbed the back of his hand as Mal sat next to Dom, "We've been discussing the best places for little deaths*," he annoucnces to the two female additions to their group, boldly and without preamble, "would you care to add your own experiences?"

Ariadne can't stop the pink from racing across her cheeks.

"I don't know if I've had enough," Ariadne swallows around the word uncomfortably, "experiences-"

"I have!" Mal interjects happily, "My first was by my home. I was wearing a beautiful blue satin dress at sunrise."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Yusuf says, and Ariadne hides her horror behind a cough.

Mal's smile is dazzling.

"It was so perfectly terrible," she says, her smile never wavering, "He was a complete amateur. He missed more than once. I had to take-"

Yusuf was making a face and put a hand to his gut. Ariadne looked equally apologetic.

"You had to do it yourself the first time?" Arthur asked, sounding scandalized.

Mal shrugged gracefully.

"Like I said, he was an amateur."

Ariadne shuddered at the thought.

"What about you, Ariadne?" Yusuf asked, and suddenly Ariadne jumped to her feet.

"Coffee!" she says, slightly breathless with inspiration, "I brought coffee! Just one sec, I'll be right..."

And she's already halfway out of the room.

Behind her, she heard Yusuf, "Huh. Do you think she's never..."

She hurried out of the room and leapt onto the coffee. For a moment she considered taking the coffee and leaving when the door opened. Cobb. Ariadne turned around guiltily with the coffees in hand but Cobb didn't look like he would judge her.

"You know," he said as he helped her carry the cups, "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. These things can be very personal."

Ariadne sighed softly.

"I thought they might be," she said as they walked back toward the room, "Everyone seems so... open about it."

"You don't have to come back inside," Cobb offered.

Ariadne shook her head and edged the door open with a foot. It's just her team. She can handle them talking about-

"Saito likes to do it on planes."

Cobb glances back because Ariadne has stopped walking and has a look on her face like she's just been subjected to the world's most uncomfortable wedgie and is mortified but unable to adjust herself. Or something.

"Huh. That makes sense," Arthur is concurring, "in a strange twisted way."

Mal took coffee from Ariadne and rose an elegant eyebrow when the girl thrust her hand back into her pocket the instant the cup was free from her fingers.

"Is everything alright, darling?"

Ariadne can't help the shudder that runs down her spine at the gentle croon of Mal's voice. Cobb's wife has always been a gorgeous woman, a beauty in every sense, and the concern and amusement in her voice makes Ariadne's heart flutter just a little bit.

"I'm fine," she said, offering Mal a bright smile, "Just... everyone is so experienced."

"Ha!" Yusuf said, nearly spilling his coffee, "You haven't done it yet, have you!"

Ariadne's cheeks tinged pink.

"Yusuf-"

"She has so," Arthur disagreed from across the room.

Ariadne's pink spreads. "Arthur!"

"Look, the poor dear is embarrassed," Eames said happily, "She's mollified to have done it with you, Arthur. Probably didn't give her a word's warning."

"That's how I do things," Arthur replied easily, as Ariadne was attempting to work her mouth and protest that she and Arthur had _never_-

"Ariadne? Have I ever hurt you?"

Ariadne's mouth _really_ didn't work now so she shook her head fervently.

"See, Eames? It's not so bad with me." He rose an eyebrow. "As for you, you're sloppy."

"I beg your pardon," Eames said, sitting up in his chair indignantly, "I'm a perfect gentleman!"

Ariadne was picking up her cup, trying to piece together how she could ask Arthur when they had ever-

"Usually," Arthur agreed in good nature, "Except the last time we were together you nearly ripped a hole in me."

Mal watched Ariadne choke on her coffee.

"Are you sure you're alright?" she asked as Cobb stopped watching Yusuf snicker to spare Ariadne a concerned glance.

Ariadne was about to answer when Eames smirked, "At least I got you in the stairwell."

"Ariadne!" Mal jumped to her feet with a napkin as Ariadne spat coffee everywhere.

Arthur and Eames weren't paying attention to the others now as they continued to discuss their various past escapades.

"Just because my first time was on a stairwell doesn't mean I always like it there."

"I know that! You've got a horrible habit for finding high places."

"I like the view."

"Ariadne, have some water, you're spilling coffee every-"

"And you like post offices."

"They're tidy," Arthur offered.

"And you don't like it in the rain."

"As much as you don't like doing it underwater."

"Cobb, I need another napkin, she's got coffee coming out of her nose-"

"Ah! So you do care," Eames mock-swooned. Arthur scoffed.

"Just because I know how you like it doesn't mean I always want to do it with you," he pointed out as Mal took the coffee away from Ariadne.

"I know," Eames said as Ariadne accepted a glass of water from Cobb, "Cobb's got you off plenty more than I have-"

"Ariadne! My blazer!"

Arthur paused to glance over where Ariadne was dripping from the water she'd failed to swallow the cup of water, which Cobb was now wearing. The Extractor shot a glare at the Forger and the Point man before accepting Mal's help drying off.

Yusuf hadn't said anything for a while. He'd been preoccupied with laughing for the most part. As Cobb helped wipe water out of Ariadne's hair he spoke up, "It's been a while since we talked about this. Why don't we plan one?"

"What," Eames was saying over Ariadne's coughing, "Now?"

"We already have one planned for Thursday," Arthur replied, "Why change it?"

"Oh, I don't know," Yusuf said, shrugging, "It was just a suggestion. Everyone was talking about it, I thought we might want to reevaluate our original design, make it a shared experience."

Ariadne stopped sputtering to go bright red.

"I'm calling Saito," Cobb said, pulling out his phone, "This is completely bizarre."

Mal looked up with gusto at the suggestion as Ariadne tried to convince Cobb that no, really, there was nothing Saito or his teams of elite doctors could do for her current condition.

"A shared experience!" Mal exclaimed, "What a brilliant idea. We can all do it together!" She clapped her hands together against her chest and sighed. "How romantic!"

Ariadne finally found her voice and begged to differ.

"I don't want to," she practically yelped, "I, I think, maybe, these things should stay private!"

"You want to do it by yourself, then?" Eames asked.

"That's _absolutely_ none of your business," Ariadne squeaked, "how did we even get to discussing this?"

"Well, Arthur and I were going over our original escape routes," Yusuf supplied, "and Eames dropped in."

There was a distinct pause.

Ariadne frowned. "Escape routes?"

"For dreaming," Arthur clarified, raising an eyebrow.

"Dying?" Ariadne asked again.

"Yes," Yusuf took a sip of his coffee. "What did you think we were talking about?"

**FIN**

*Little Deaths in French refer to orgasms.


End file.
